Shut Up, Dude

After asking a longtime guy friend and not getting a sufficient answer-except that these guys don't know what they're doing-I thought perhaps you could shed some light. I'm 49 and have once again put my profile up on Nerve.com to try to meet a guy that I might click with. The situation repeats itself most every time I meet someone. The guy tells me in great detail about his last or most favorite woman from his past. I could write a book based on the stories from guys who haven't gotten over the last one.

I feel like I should give them a bill for shrink services at the end of the date! Is this a way of unconsciously avoiding connecting-perhaps they don't feel the connection-or are they really so cut off that they jump at the chance to spill out all these facts and feelings to an empathetic stranger? I do not ask for this info; it is generously offered up with no prompting. Any suggestions on how to deter revelations of such personal info on the first date?

-Jan

Hey, I've been on that date! The last one was with this Latvian photographer I met on Friendster. Our entire first (and only) date was spent with him yammering on about the girl who broke his heart. And because he was a photographer, he'd even helpfully brought pictures along to illustrate his sad tale.

As it was a Friendster date, I figured, well?he's foreign, perhaps he was just looking for a friend(ster). And so I listened. For a while. As you might imagine, I hear romantic tales of woe far more often than your average lady, so boredom set in quickly. It's one thing if I know I'm getting paid, or if it's a friend who's looking for a shoulder to sob onto. But it's quite another to sit through a tedious tale from a stranger who is in no way going to compensate me for my time. He didn't even buy me a drink. (And for a story that excruciating, I should've been quaffing waffles and champagne at Per Se.)

I generally try to have zero expectations on blind dates, but this? After he started weeping as he relayed one particularly poignant moment from their three-month love odyssey, there was no "best" to be made of it. I just wanted him to go away. I tried-politely-to make this clear. What did he do? He quit whining long enough to lean over and plant one on me. Oy vey.

I tend to agree with your friend who explained that men are clueless.

However, men aren't the only ones guilty of inappropriate spillage. I've heard about too many female first-daters who, instead of getting to know the guy they're with, spend the entire time bitching about an ex, revealing things like an incestuous childhood and/or discussing their devotion to the Lord or the 12 steps or an overpriced haircare product line.

Maybe people over-share to avoid making a real connection or because "they're just not into you" (the little book that should've been a paragraph), but I think this kind of social retardation is born more out of cluelessness than anything else.

The best way to cut this brand of conversation short is by being direct. Once Mr. Wrong starts to blather on about some alleged Ms. Perfect, interrupt and say that you had been under the impression that you were out on a date. Add that, if he isn't ready to date, he should just let you know now, as you have some paint you wanted to watch dry back at home.

I have never had a date in my whole 21 years. The total of my sexual experience has been making out drunkenly with four different guys at four different parties, along with unwanted advances from a 60-year-old professor. (Yes, I am sill a virgin.)

I feel like a fuckwit when it comes to dating. I will admit I have no capabilities when it comes to flirting; I completely bomb at it. Three of my flirtiest/sluttiest friends have tried to teach me how, but they've declared me hopeless. It's not that I can't talk to men or whatnot; I have several male friends. I think it might be that guys tend to think of me as the nice girl they can talk to. I have known more guys to come up to me, spouting out their problems and asking me to help them solve it, or help them get another girl. I just want to find a guy that won't think of me as a chum/psychologist/matchmaker. I'm not ugly-guys and gals alike have told me I am pretty. How do I get a man to think of me "in that way"? Am I just really dense at noticing signals? What's wrong with me? Help!

-Fuckwit

As the letter above yours perfectly illustrates, dating is a miserable business at any age. My tender near-teen, you probably think you'll have it all figured out by the time you get to be in your thirties or forties. Ha!

At 21, you are far from the world's oldest virgin. Just quit overthinking things and wondering what is wrong with you. Relax. Then, join an internet dating site and go out on a few practice dates-immediately! That way, there's none of the is-this-a-date-or-are-we-just-friends bullshit that you get with people you meet otherwise.

And if Mr. Date starts to drone on about another girl, just pull out this column and make him read it.