The Buff Austrian

Fantastic: The Life of Arnold Schwarzenegger

By Laurence Leamer

St. Martin's Press, 320 pages, $24.95

Okay, let's say I walk into the office of a major NY publisher without getting stopped by the receptionist.

This scenario already unbelievable, let's say I somehow get into the glorified cubicle of their top editor, take a seat and pitch him my idea for an immense bildungsroman, an epic novel that'll redefine the genre while advancing the art. "Go ahead, Mr. Cohen," the editor says, sipping Evian, propping his feet up on the desk. "Okay," I begin, hesitantly, "well, there's this boy: He's born in poor, rural Austria in the late 1940s, to a distant mother and an abusive father who just got done a stint as a Nazi, actually serving in the SA.

"So it's a book about the destruction of war? resilience and suffering? the triumph of the human spirit?"

"Not so fast. The boy's dull-witted-I mean, he's slow. To compensate, in adolescence he becomes involved with bodybuilding. He works out everyday. After winning a few competitions, he imports himself to America where he redefines the sport-he turns it commercial. Soon, he makes a fortune hawking vitamin supplements and potency pills to impressionable, scrawny youth who hate the idea of beginning the 80s as virgins. "Uhuh?"

"Wait, there's more. Even though he still can't speak English, he parlays his modest fame into roles in terrible movies. He date rapes numerous women, from B actresses to waitresses. He also does a whole lot of drugs.

"Okay?"

"He stars in a few ridiculous epics. Invests in real estate. Becomes a multi-millionaire. Still date raping, still doing a whole lot of drugs, our hero also courts a then-overweight, homely daughter of America's most powerful family. A Kennedy! "Mr. Cohen, where are you going with this?"

"Soon, they marry. With his movie career ailing, our hero-let's call him Arnold-turns to politics. A Republican, he runs in a recount election against a paraplegic porn mogul and an ex-addict midget and wins the governorship of California. Barely installed in office, Arnold begins lobbying for an amendment to the US Constitution. Born in Europe, he can't legally become president. But this guy's never let anything stop him? "Let me stop you right there, Mr. Cohen?"

The editor picks up the red phone. Next thing I know, Random House Security's going multi-national on my ass.

Laurence Leamer's lavish, well-researched rendition of the post-fiction, meta-narrative that is Arnold is an amazing feat, possibly the finest, most nuanced work by a man best known for his fluff Kennedy tell-alls.

Here, you'll find accounts of Arnold treating women in a way that would land more girly men in prison, accounts of Arnold doing business deals that would make Tom Delay blush; most incredibly, though, you'll also find out what it means to be an unconscious fascist at the millennium's turn.

At heart (swelled with steroids), our hero Arnold is an avowed Nazi, though a Nazi without a moral agenda, with all the violence of the real just transmuted to film. Just check out these quotes:

"You know, I love making movies. It's like being in the military. They wake you up in the morning. They feed you. And all day long they tell you what to do. Then you go home, and you feel good, because you've worked hard and you can focus on yourself. I love that." "I admired Hitler, because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education, up to power. And I admire him for being such a good public speaker and his way of getting to the people and so on."

Fantastic (the book's title and reportedly Arnold's favorite word) is a, yes, fantastic unauthorized romp beyond the bounds of causality, logic and realism. Arnold's is in many ways the most exemplary 20th century life, an immigrant dream made real as a marketing pitch for "democracy", an ad campaign for late-market capitalism: increasingly fractured, self-invented, stupid and entertaining as all hell. Which means that after Arnold's real, art just has to work that much harder.