Baby Oil Island

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:22

    Lip-licking Sanchez was superenthused to learn that the placid world of New Metal has been jarringly interrupted by a beef brewing between Slipknot singer Corey Taylor and the pudgy, misunderstood Fred Durst, about whom self-improvement-oriented Sanchez shall soon make a New Year's resolution to not make fun of twice in the space of a single column. Taylor told the crowd at a Slipknot show that Durst had told his own audience that "Slipknot's fans are a bunch of fat, ugly kids." This isn't the first recent jab at Durst from another artist?Marilyn Manson called Durst and his army of Durstitos "illiterate apes." Meanwhile, Durst took a more complex potshot at Manson during a recent UK tour, saying that Manson's " has gone in a shambles and he's alienated his fans, so if he has to say things like that because he's very mad at himself, I would forgive him. And Trent Reznor is in the same fucking boat." Earnest Durst?at whom giggly Sanchez laughs and laughs when Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland makes fun of him in oddball ways, such as feigning a faint onstage at the 1999 MTV Video Music Awards right before giving Ricky Martin a spaceman statuette, filling cooing Sanchez with joy as Durst barely held back his frustration at Borland's fuck-it-all attention-grabbing tactic. Capping off his Manson remarks with a claim to noble sense of purpose, Durst said, with a straight face, "We're just here doing what we do and we have nothing to say about anybody."

    The inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for 2000 have been announced, and Eric Clapton is being inducted for the third time, this year as a solo artist?in previous years his stints in the Yardbirds and Cream were recognized, and one just has to admire the guy for giving a shit about the city of Cleveland enough to play such a vital role in pretending that bleak, shit-stain-brown municipality has any value whatsoever as a tourist attraction. Black Sabbath?a band that young and stupid Sanchez found out was fronted by Ozzy Osbourne only after having bought both Blizzard of Ozz and Diary of a Madman?was passed over; Ozzy issued a public statement this October asking that Sabbath's name be removed from the ballot, couching the preemptive-sour-grapes request in statements like, "We're a people's band," "It's not voted on by the fans," and "Let's face it, Black Sabbath have never been media darlings." Wise, empathetic Sanchez knows that none of this could possibly assuage the sting of James Taylor's nomination in the face of neglecting the grandest musical achievements of a man who, according to former Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, once encountered a line of marching red ants on the pavement, knelt down on the ground, rolled up a bill and snorted them all the way back to the anthill.

    And so Sanchez rises from his pillow, switches off the tv, downs a nerve-awakening shot of DayQuil and cracks his knuckle. And what haunts the mind of dreamy Sanchez as he prepares to type sweet nothings into the ears of his devoted following? The Conan O'Brien rerun he was just watching, on which O'Brien quizzed the leathery Australian bimbo from the cast of La Femme Nikita about an alleged "artsy" film the lady made during her series' shooting break?artsy meaning lots of boobies and moaning, apparently. Upon finding out that the film was directed by the lady's boyfriend, Conan asked incredulously, "So this movie is just your boyfriend's fantasy life? What's his next project, Escape From Baby Oil Island?"

    NEXT WEEK: Sanchez's courageous escape from the underwater lair of the squirty-bottle-of-handcream-armed vicious gang of pudgy girls in Burger King uniforms!