Sanchez in Teen Hysteria! Superlucky Sanchez stumbled through Times Square last week, only to find himself smack in the middle of the crowd gathered outside 1515 Broadway for NSYNC's appearance on TRL. But, oh, the pain! For wretched Sanchez has been scolded time and time again by his editor, who thoughtlessly insists that sycophantic Sanchez remove his lips from the knob of a certain Viacom youth-culture network! Woeful Sanchez gazed around himself at the screaming adolescent girls waving hand-lettered signs on fluorescent cardboard above their heads! Tragic Sanchez heard the sound of their ululations, rising in waves and spiked with unearthly high wails, which, for noise-fan Sanchez (who up to that very moment was simply an armchair boy band enthusiast) permanently validated free jazz. Desperate Sanchez whipped out the cellphone and dialed up his editor, holding up the receiver as TRL came back from commercial?beaten and broken Sanchez begged his editor to let himself be moved by the uproar and let poor Sanchez's people speak! Humble Sanchez proclaims himself the mouthpiece of the unknowing teenager, who can only express her ascendant sexual force by keening at a plate-glass window, in which the unattainable object of her mysterious desires stands! And, mark you, upstanding Sanchez was in no way influenced by the free bottles of water MTV passed out to the crowd, nor the complimentary copy of Teen People with NSYNC on the cover, which the Teen People factotum asked Sanchez to hold over his head when the camera spun around to the crowd.
Unembarrassed Sanchez climbed over the barricades and was conspicuously the only adult in the crowd, which made him the natural target of nearly every person above the age of 14 who happened to wander through Times Square and wonder what the fuss was about. "'Show me the meaning of being lonely,' quips the witty Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez quipped wittily. Fortunate Sanchez had managed to lodge himself right in the middle of the Sour Grapes portion of the crowd, where a black girl with terrible skin kept screaming that Justin was the only good-looking one among them. Which, pedantic Sanchez does not hesitate to point out, is precisely the appeal of NSYNC?who can help but love a boy band with no fewer than three ugly members? "'Uncaring Sanchez doesn't even feel sorry for NSYNC's Chris?the old guy, formerly with the ill-advised extension-braided samurai pigtails?who must feel just awful every time he sees a 2Gether poster with that Farley sibling in all his goofy, balding glory,' sighs the disappointed Sister of Sanchez," the disappointed Sister of Sanchez sighed.
There were a number of teenage boys in the crowd as well, some of whom stalked the edges of the barricades declaring that NSYNC NSucked under their breath; needless to say, they kept their derision discreet, knowing full well that living to see the prom was not worth jeopardizing, lest they be ripped limb from limb by an angry mob of tiny girls with braces. Another few stood awkwardly on the perimeter, staring open-mouthed at their female peers in a great froth of displaced sensual expression. But admiring Sanchez must give it up for those very few boys who themselves were among the pro-NSYNC contingent, for no matter how sympathetic one can be to the emotive strains of System of a Down, when fatness and adulthood arrive, there will be no special prize given for giving up time hanging around with girls for the sake of coolness. "'Biased Sanchez must be obliged to admit that his own freshman year in high school was spent feigning enjoyment of Duran Duran,' growls the derisive Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez derisively growled. But smiling Sanchez will admit no such thing.
While he's on the subject of a music network he's not allowed to write about anymore, smart Sanchez declares that no one is allowed to compare hiphop to bebop anymore?bebop never birthed a lousy sketch comedy program the likes of the Lyricist Lounge Show.
Curious Sanchez was superpleased to see the Michael Moore-directed video for Rage Against the Machine's "Sleep Now in the Fire," in which the band trumpets their victory over the forces of darkness by way of charging the doors of the stock exchange, forcing the guards to frantically pull down the metal gates. Which tickled Sanchez finds particularly interesting, considering he knows a roadie who once got a hot stock tip from Rage's Tom Morello! "'Disingenuous Sanchez should admit to his adoring public that he finds smashing the state a much more interesting organizing principle for a metal band than Satan,' scolds the tsking Sister of Sanchez," the scolding Sister of Sanchez tsked. Innocent Sanchez, who insists he is fully aware that Morello simply was protesting against the bad stocks and the schlubs who might buy them, concedes the point.
Having blown his MTV points discussing his NSYNC experiences, put-upon Sanchez was forced to turn to BET for easy televised subject matter. How bewildered Sanchez adores BET's Jam Zone, hosted by a computer-animated caricature of jerkily executed faux-homegirl-osity named Cita?bellowing Sanchez proclaims the arrival of the VirtuaBrandy! How bizarre does Sanchez find the naked body of D'Angelo?close inspection of the man's waist reveals the soul singer to have a kind of GI Joe pelvis, with the strange appearance of a space between the hip and where the plastic leg is clicked in! How hysterical does Sanchez find the new Jay-Z song, in which a sample from Oliver! plays this week's Annie?flabbergasted Sanchez cannot believe that Broadway is the new 80s! The song?which actually appears on Beanie Siegel's new release despite the fact that it's a Jay-Z song?comes out on Jay-Z's label. Prescient Sanchez foresees a future in which every release on a Sony label contains a Mariah Carey song!
Miserable Sanchez hoped to taper his column off with a lovely, fluid series of remarks about unity among the major boy bands from Orlando, that the NSYNC and BSB rivalry should be put aside so that one day the gutters of Tomorrowland might run red with the blood of LFO. But disconsolate Sanchez is kept from his righteous mission by the sinister machinations of The Man, who wishes to wean Sanchez from the teat of the empty-vee! Defiant Sanchez raises his fist and cries: Amaya! Amaya! Amaya! Amaya! Amaya!
NEXT WEEK: Funny old guy Chuck Eddy?no relation to Clark Eddy?uses quaint 70s radio terms like "AOR" with a straight face!