By Ben Krull
"New York City has approved a developer's Dickensian plan to include a 'poor door' in a luxury apartment complex in the Upper West Side." -- Newsweek
From: Jameson Crow, Field Manager, Soweto Properties
To: Prospective residents of Two Cities Towers
While we anticipate that 99 percent of our residents will be trillionaires or billionaires, our policies are designed to assure that our one-percent of financially challenged tenants are treated as if they earned (or inherited) the right to live in such fancy digs.
SEPARATE BUT EQUAL ENTRANCES: Our doorman-free zone for the building's "Main Street" entrance will avoid the resentment that would develop from requiring our staff to serve people who are unable to afford generous holiday gratuities. This segregated entrances policy will, thus, protect our most vulnerable tenants from retaliatory actions, such as lost packages, unannounced guests and the spreading of false rumors that
the tip-averse occupant of 4A is a prostitute. In addition, requiring our "Main Streeters" to open their own door, will help instill the work ethic required to ascend to our tower's "Wall Street" wing.
WELL-HEELED SNEAKERS CLUB: Rumors that we will prohibit our blue-collar friends from using the health club are false. Our Perrier Water pool and Italian-tiled treadmills are open to all! For health reasons, those wishing to use our gym will be required to name every muscle group from an anatomy chart and perform a set of 30 reps on our P90X approved pull-up bar. A waiver will be issued to tenants who show proof that they have used a personal trainer in their home gym within the past week or have at least three friends who regularly take SoulCycle classes.
There are no restrictions on our lo-sodium salt-water outdoor pool...during January and February. Our Tiger Woods-designed indoor golf driving range and Barack Obama putting green will also be open to all. Unfortunately we can not issue waivers to the requirement that all residents using the golfing facility bring a caddy.
COMMUNITY THANKSGIVING DINNER: Enjoy our traditional Thanksgiving dinner of free range tofu turkey, unsweetened sweet-potato casserole, and organic, nut-free pecan pie, with gluten-free crust. The meal is open to all...who can name at least three menu items from any Daniel Boulud restaurant or produce a Platinum American Express Card.
SECURITY: Former members of Blackwater Worldwide Security Forces will patrol our hallways to enforce our ban on "Hoodies" and displays of Bloods and Crips colors. Our army of drug sniffing dogs will be trained in stop and frisk tactics.
PARKING: Not to be outdone by our SoHo neighbors, residents are welcome to use our valet bicycle parking, at a yearly rate of $1,000,001 (children's scooters and skateboards park for half-price). Free car parking will be offered to our disadvantaged tenants...so long as they provide a copy of their chauffeur's driving license.
Ben Krull is a family law attorney and freelance writer.