something to write home about

Here’s a conversation I had on the corner of my Upper East Side block, when I ran into an acquaintance.

Him: So, you’re a writer. What do you write?

Me: Mostly essays for magazines, newspapers and websites. I’ve also had a couple of novels published, and I wrote a screenplay that I hope will get produced sometime before I die.

Him: I’m a writer, too.

Me: What do you write?

Him: Well, I don’t have time to actually sit down and write, but I have a lot of ideas and I’ve written a novel as well. I just haven’t gotten it on paper, yet. It’s all up here, though.

At this point he took his index finger and tapped his temple.

I then smiled and wished him luck — he’ll need it.

Here’s the cold, hard truth: you’re not a writer if you never write anything. This is also the surefire way to NOT get published. Yes, it’s that easy. Don’t write and you won’t see your words in print.

Someday in the distant future, technology will perhaps advance so that you can create something in your chip-implanted mind and then transmit it telepathically out into the universe and people will be able to read it in their heads. Until that day comes, you need to put pen to paper so to speak, so that you can submit to editors via email.

I’ve found that writers usually fall into three categories: a) those who don’t know where to begin; b) those who write, but don’t know how to sell it; or c) those who get published often, but wish to take their writing to the next level by breaking into a different genre or type of venue.

I’ve lived through all three phases, so I can tell you from experience you need to reach out for advice/help in order to game-change.

About nine years ago, I wrote a newspaper column as well as one online, had written for The New York Times, and had my first novel published; yet I could not get a piece in a magazine to save my life.

I heard from an editor, to whom I had been lamenting, that there was a professor named Susan Shapiro, who offered a once-a-week, five-week class out of her Greenwich Village apartment titled “Immediate Gratification Takes Too Long.” She alleged that by the end of the term students would have a published piece and could use their fee to pay for the class.

As a born and raised New Yorker — make that an “outta” borough NYer — I was skeptical. But by the end of five weeks, I had what would become my first published magazine clip.

Perhaps at this time, you’re not able to make a financial or time commitment to head downtown on Wednesday nights for a little over a month, but you can still benefit, as I did, because Shapiro has just consolidated her class into a book: “The Byline Bible — Get Published in 5 Weeks.” (Full disclosure: the author included the essay I wrote in her class, along with those of other students, in the how-to as an example of publishable work — page 167, FYI.)

For less than twenty bucks, you can find out where to start, get assignment prompts, learn how to find a home for your writing and direction on crafting a cover letter.

It’s the closest thing to having an instructor come to your apartment, sit at your computer and do the whole thing for you.

Shapiro also moderates free editor panels around the city, so you can hear from the proverbial horses’ mouths what stands out in the submission slush pile.

This is New York, so there are many teachers, courses and, of course, books on the subject of writing. I’m recommending that which I’ve actually experienced, but if you ask around I’m sure you’ll have a plethora of options to choose from. Just choose something. Invest in yourself in some way and start doing what you set out to do when you got here. Then you’ll really have something to write home about.

Lorraine Duffy Merkl is the author of the novels Fat Chick and Back to Work She Goes.

Susan Shapiro’s next free publishing panel Friday 9/21 from 6-8 p.m. at Union Square’s Barnes & Noble.