Naughty Bit Torrents
Q: I just had this sort of strange experience. I met a girl, we made out, waited a day, and then we had sex using a condom. I came and kept on fucking her (she was not done, so neither was I). The condom came off and I had to go fetch it-from inside her.
She did not talk to me for a few days and then said she was kind of pissed that I did not pull out right after I came. I remembered then that it was she who put me back inside without a condom "just for a minute" because it felt so good.
I did not give that back to her as a "yeah but you did this," but it's still bothering me.
My question is, must a guy pull out and put on a new condom immediately after having an orgasm? What if residual sperm on his hand gets on the next condom as he's putting it on?
-Marc
A: Upon hitting the big O, a fella should slide his still-wrapped pecker out of his date's vag (or wherever), remove the jizz-filled condom, dispose of it in a proper waste container (not the toilet!), wipe off his willy, unroll a new rubber and get back at it. Any residual sperm on the hands should be set aside as a tasty treat for later.
I thought everyone knew this. Just two weeks ago, I castigated a reader who criticized me for not automatically mentioning condoms whenever I broached the topic of sex (i.e., every five seconds). I haughtily told her that anyone smart enough to read a newspaper was clever enough to wrap it. Guess not.
Even when it's not spouting geysers, you need to glove that lovestick. Ever hear of a thing called pre-come? It's chock full of baby batter, and most guys hardly even notice it. And after you get off, even the most engorged member will become a shrinkier dink, which is why your jimmy hat got lost in (her) space.
Sounds like you're both cranky and looking to place blame because you know you were foolish and irresponsible. Lucky for both of you, your error won't result in another burden on the state (thank you, morning-after pill!), but you might want to get tested for any pesky STDs.
I'm not saying you're guilty of this (though I suspect you might be), but I must warn you that bitching and moaning about using a condom is a bigger turn-off than Michael Jackson tweaking his nipples while frolicking butt-naked in a pool of strawberry Jello. Whining about latex shows immaturity, disrespect and ignorance.
Q: Like it or not, women living and coupling in our society would do well to acknowledge that most decent men prefer not to think of their women as half-whores who want to fuck the delivery guy, the bartender or whomever.
Likewise, we prefer to mate with those who are less likely to be victimized by other compulsions (drink, shopping, food, etc.). What kind of woman is it who cannot suspend sexual gratification three or four-or whatever-dates? (Oh, and we know the jaded veteran needs to size up her cocksmen, ASAP.)
A woman's being easy is not in her long-term interests if it's a devoted and committed fellow she wants. This is age-old common sense. It is in the natural order of things.
If you want to get fucked, then get fucked. Just don't expect our devotion and adoration, dig? It is the divine design that women do the selection: noblesse oblige. You are the gate keepers, and if you are letting torrents through the gate... Narrow is the gate to heaven.
-Artie in Brooklyn
A: As someone whose gate to heaven is fairly rusted and easily opened, I fully believe that whatever and/or whomever my Special Naked Friend might have done prior to meeting me is none of my damned business. Nor do I feel compelled to share tawdry tales of one-night stands with club-dicked musicians or extended affairs with achingly handsome foreigners. "If I don't know about it, it never happened," is his philosophy. Mine too. (Which is why I wish he'd try zipping it once in a while. I don't really need to hear about threesomes with strippers, thanks!)
Yeah, right.
If you prefer to date women who don't enjoy sex, that's your prerogative. But my wholly unscientific research has proven that men who cast aspersions on us randy types inevitably sport penises that rival their minds in the small department. As a rule, these gents are uniformly terrible in bed and consider things as mundane as oral sex the epitome of kink. So, Artie, on behalf of "half-whores" everywhere, I thank you for your disdain. Let loose the torrents!