Sanchez Sulks, Sister Sings

| 17 Feb 2015 | 01:23

    Traumatized Sanchez wasforced to sit in a darkened theater, watching a movie he'd already seen, whilethe Lumpy Lass screwed a long-lost school pal in town from Utah.So quick-minded Sanchez has no recourse but to coin a new name for the Lass-theMormon-Nailer! Contented Sanchez was perfectlyhappy whiling away Sunday afternoon with Matt Pinnfield's weird 1995-revivalparty-slash-viewer-phone-in battle-of-the-bands Flying Indie-Sanchezadores MTV for so blithely two-birdsing its programming and its market research-whenthe Sister of Sanchez got into a fight with the Lumpy Lass' friend fromMoab about Star Wars. "The merciless Sister of Sanchezmocks this goon and his Gen-X brethren for their ceaseless boohooing about theprequel, and George Lucas' criminal inability to magically turn themseven again, replete with childish susceptibility to shiny lights and woodendialogue," mocked the merciless Sister of Sanchez. The man from Moab startedcrying, and thus did the unwitting Sister of Sanchez practically rip off hispants and throw him into the Lumpy Lass' flabby arms-not only did it cue theLass to start working her way to victory under the guise of there-there-inghis grief, but the cunning Lass suggested to the sniffling Westerner that perhapstaking the film in for a second time would open his eyes to the goodmovie he didn't notice the first time he went! And where? Why, the UnionSquare United Artists, of course, that filmic venue famed for its lift-up-ablearmrests-the feature that makes it the most make-out-tastic theater in New York! Envious Sanchez swattedhis sister, who, to drown out the squishy noises from the row behind her, haddonned headphones and started to sing along with the Carl Smith honky-tonkclassic "Hey Joe!" "Whurdja get that pearly girly?" theSister of Sanchez crooned. "Whurdja get that jolly dolly? Whurdja get thatdish I wish was mi-een?" Finally swatting Sanchez managed to dislodge herleft earphone, and the outraged Sister of Sanchez turned viciously upon him."'The Sister of Sanchez need not speak in Sister-of-Sanchezese when singingalong with her Discman,' the annoyed Sister of Sanchez retorts!"retorted the annoyed Sister of Sanchez, missing Sanchez's point. Sullenly theSister of Sanchez turned to the screen and began to coo the newest BackstreetBoys single at the screen. "Tell me why-ee," the sullen Sisterof Sanchez implored Ewan McGregor and his rattail. Beaten Sanchez happenedto have brought a copy of Teen People's 1999 All-Star Yearbookspecial issue along, so he sneakily fished the Zippo out of his Sister'sPokemon backpack and perused it by lighter-light. In its pages watchfulSanchez found a weak cry for help from the now-vanquished 90s ironists thatonce roamed the media plains, in the form of several middle-school photographsof Mark-Paul Gosselaar. What preteen-bored Sanchez reminds you that teenagersdon't read things with the word teen on them-would recall the gloriesof Saved By the Bell? Sanchez remembers his hipster friends fromCalifornia telling him tales of Screech sightings at Green Day shows,and how the media hoze oohed and aahed over the actor from the MOR sitcom! "'Isthat what my older sibling refers to as "back in the day"?' singsongsthe Gen-Y Sister of Sanchez," the Gen-Y Sister of Sanchez singsonged. Surly Sanchez growled andburied himself deeper in the magazine. Elsewhere in the issue, some anonymousTeen People philosopher posits that Billy Corgan invented hisband's name as a metaphorical response to the basketballs hurled in his face,and Gwen Stefani (pictured squinting up from the pool as she did herkick exercises) claims to have joined the swim team because she was "kindof chubby." Moved Sanchez holds back his tears! Adam Sandler ispictured with a fantastic jewfro, Luke Perry sports classic ChessKing casualwear, Jennifer Aniston's goth roots are showing-Sanchezbites his lip at the sight of the babyfat on her late-80s cheek!-and AnthonyKiedis (whose current do gets a raised eyebrow from hair cop Sanchez) wearsa skinny tie and stands back to back with a plaintive, mustachioed lass. Most sinisterly, some fraud-sniffingTeen People vigilante accuses the 1992 yearbook staff at New CastleBaptist Academy of fronting about their love of yearbookery, and merelyjoining the squad for a shot at jumping Ryan Phillippe's bones! TheCruel Intentions star, Sanchez learned, was additionally awarded Best Smilehonors. Those who love Sanchez know he always saves the best for second-to-last,and this paragraph is no exception! A senior-year photo of Jewel (inInterlochen, MI? Was she lost in her van on the way back to Alaska?) juxtaposedwith a current photo busts her but hardcore on the nose job! Still elsewherein the issue, Courteney Cox says, "I don't know how to laugh outloud." But glum Sanchez didn'treally get his cheese fix 'til he read Gerri Hirshey's glossyhandjob of a Missy Elliott profile inRolling Stone. ("'Geta tambourine doing sixteenth notes and just call it jungle!' interjects theSister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez interjected.) How hilarious thatHirshey should find Missy's preference of Wendy's over the China Grillevidence of her road-unworthiness? Grinning Sanchez invites her to take a lookat a turnpike sometimes-what, does she think KFC stands for KlassyFried Chicken? Hirshey says of Missy's spiked g-string: "Any unauthorizedentry will leave male intruders fit to replace Bob Dole in those erectile dysfunctionads." What does that mean, puzzled Sanchez asks, she has heat-ray eyesthat give you prostate cancer? "'Why prostate cancer,now that just isn't funny!' gasps the horrified sister of Sanchez," themock-horrified Sister of Sanchez mock-gasped. Hirshey astutely includes authenticNegro dialogue like, "Just now it's Missy's hairdresser Marsha... Puffyparty tonight!...Pull-eze." Her italics, wincing Sanchez notes.In addition, she apparently thinks "the Ashford and Simpson of hiphop"is a compliment. Why yes, Missy and Timbaland, they're Negroes of disparategender, aren't they? Marveling Sanchez gives Hirshey the big thumbs-up! Sanchez has it on good authoritythat David Lee Roth is playing "Everybody Wants Some"from Van Halen's 1980 LP Women and Children First on his solotour-the song containing a baffling line that Sanchez hears as "I seeka woman that's a looking for a Mookie." An homage to Spike Lee? IS DAVIDLEE ROTH FROM THE FUTURE? David Lee Roth and his David Lee Roth Band play theBi-Lo Center in Greenville, SC, on the 15th, and the Yakima Valley Sundome onthe 27th. "'I want to start a band called "Douglas James and her JuglessDames," but I need to find a double-D girl named Douglas first,' quipsthe merry Sister of Sanchez," the merry Sister of Sanchez quipped. Online, Sanchez discoveredthat DJ Rap is in fact a little tiny English girl named Charrisa.Techno-savvy MTV calls jungle "techno's answer to speed metal," makingSanchez wonder if the writer envisioned Keith Flint and YellowglassesChembro plotting, "Arrrgh, the forces of rock plague us with speedmetal! How shall we answer them arrrgh, arrrgh?" Elsewhere on MTV online,Brandy's record label, Atlantic, is reported to report that Mattelconceived its Brandy doll as a "celebrity friend" for "longtimeplastic icon" Barbie. As the godawfully long creditsrolled, a peaceful sigh emanated from the Lumpy Lass in the row behind Sanchez,and Sanchez heard cutesy pillow talk between the Mormon-Nailer and her Mormon.But what's this? Vital information exchanged postcoitally? For the Lumpy Lasssuddenly gasped and screamed, "Darth Vader is Luke's father?!" NEXT WEEK: Vigilant Sanchez confronts the Dixie Chicks, self-righteously accusing themof not knowing who Lilith was!