"'I should pummel you for purloining my Pikachus,' pffts the Sister of Sanchez as she punches him in the gut," the punching Sister of Sanchez pfft-ed, "but frankly I'm too glad to have been granted a week without your blatherings." Upon saying this, the Sister of Sanchez gathered up what was left of her Pikachu collection and sang BSB's "Larger Than Life"?a love song to a sales base?to them. "All of our time is spent in flashes of light," the Sister of Sanchez sang. "All you people?can't you see? Can't you see?"
Lip-biting Sanchez enjoyed reading the interpretive drama Chris Nelson projected on the Smashing Pumpkins! The Sonicnet writer reviewed a show at Chicago's rock-circuit standard venue, the Metro, meant to debut both bassist Melissa Auf Der Maur?"'Known to us simply as "the Auf Der Maur,' interjects the insistent Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez interjected insistently?and material from the presumably bombastic, indisputably forthcoming MACHINA/the machines of God. Nelson said "[the] Auf Der Maur's newcomer status was made most plain during '1979.' While Chamberlin left his kit to play acoustic guitar with Corgan and Iha, the bassist remained on the far side of the stage, away from the other three." Astute Sanchez advises Nelson to try moving a bass amp before suggesting folks link hands and start a-wassailing! Fearful Sanchez notes that the Auf Der Maur played with a music stand before her, clearly evidence that the influence of band geeks has extended past mere ska band horn sections. Still-fearfuller Sanchez splits the Auf Der Maur's family name up, jumbles the letters, and comes up with: Au Au FDR Me. "'Egads!' egadses the Sister of Sanchez!" the Sister of Sanchez egadsed. "Au is the symbol for gold on the periodic table of elements! Could the Auf Der Maur have been silently pleading to us this whole time: The money! The money! I need a new deal!?"
Crushed Sanchez is brokenhearted to reveal that colleague J.R. Taylor?who opined to last year's Pazz and Jop poll that he hoped Lucinda Williams would be raped by "a ward of AIDS-infected hillbillies"?has revealed himself as a most thoroughly rockcriticish creature. Quoting Alternative Press writer Jon Pecorelli, who thought poor album sales were "partially due to a nationwide ban from such national retailers as Kmart, Wal-Mart, and Target," J.R. snidely responds, "Yeah, that was the problem." Well, phoo-hoo on you-hoo for thinking that the selling of compact discs had anything to do with retail! Smiling Sanchez sure loves that idle class of folk, armed with remote, recliner and laptop, who believe the process of culture to involve neither bucks nor trucks! "And the Sister of Sanchez chimes in with gratitude that her brother should finally criticize someone who can pen a decent doo-doo joke for a retort!" chimed in the grateful Sister of Sanchez.
But perhaps emotional Sanchez is a little thin-skinned, having had to endure a Michael Stipe and Danny DeVito double-feature interview teaming on both Charlie Rose and Queen Latifah?though it should be noted that Rose had Stipe's bandmates, and Latifah had Heavy D as well, and furthermore gave the so-called Overweight Lover two segments as opposed to Stipe and DeVito's one each. Mumbling Sanchez condemns the film Man on the Moon as tripe without having seen it! For bitter Sanchez hates all things having to do with Jim Carrey, and yet his weekend of invalidity was spent on a couch helpless against the unstoppable spray of prerelease publicity! Snarling Sanchez, grasping for his bottle of Xanax, will collapse if he hears one more earnest testimonial that Carrey became Andy Kaufman for the whole of the shoot! Sanchez can sooner imagine Matchbox 20 becoming John Coltrane!
But hark, what medicine should arrive under the nose of Sanchez but a holiday recording as anti-CoBo as could come! A collection of works from the vaults of the gigantic songwriters' collection agency! Tickled Sanchez adores its supergeneric title: ASCAP Presents Holiday.
NEXT WEEK: Hilarity ensues!