Yanks Have 'Mets' Their Match

HOLLANDER: Dwight Gooden once told me that pitching opening day was like "the all-star game, the postseason and the World Series" all rolled-up in one. Doc, wherever you were, I hope they let you watch opening day.

Gooden holds the interesting distinction of having not only played for both the Mets and Yankees, but earned World Series rings with each team. This season offers a rare point in baseball history where the Mets and Yankees are considered legitimate favorites for World Series contention right out of the gate. Omar Minaya and Brian Cashman stockpiled more star power and muscle this winter than Kennedy and Khrushchev at the height of the Cold War. This summer will see a city divided.

Let's thoroughly assess the merits of both New York teams:

Meet the Mets! After Jessie Orosco throws out the first ball to the "The Kid," the time of waiting will commence to be over. Pedro and Glavine will win or keep them close every outing. But the guy who will make the staff dominant is a healthy Steve Trachsel.

Another highlight will be the new bullpen. I'm playing dueling banjos right now just thinking about Appalachian flame-thrower Billy Wagner picking up all those saves that Braden Lopper blew. Behind the plate, Paul Lo Duca makes pitchers better, and his beach volleyball legend wife Misty May makes him better.

God-that's right, God-sent us David Wright. He is the Mets 125th first baseman (four per year). His name will be synonymous with "Mets third base" when his career is finished.

This spring, Ricky Henderson tutored Jose Reyes that a walk is as good as a hit and a run is a run is a run. Reyes will hit .300.

Carlos Beltran, Cliff Floyd and Xavier Nady: Now that's an outfield that can hit, field and run. Add support players like 47-year-old baseball Buddah Julio Franco and shape-shifting utility man Chris Woodward, and you've got a team with few holes. Most importantly, you've got a team with character.

As for the Yankees, they're still the same bunch of overpaid, over the hill, whining, backstabbing, self-absorbed malcontents. I guess they'll do OK.

SULLIVAN: Dave I appreciate your jumping on the Mets bandwagon. It is a good one to latch onto-but one I have been riding through some dark times for years now. Now that that the dark and bitter night has lifted, your jumping on the Mets Latin Express rings false. I know all about your Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez bobble-head collection. At night you take it out and play with them as you dream of your days chasing Mickey Mantle for his autograph at New York airports. I also know that when you go back to your folks' house in New Jersey you sneak up to your childhood bedroom and take out your secret baseball card collection hidden under your old bed.

There, with the door locked, you caress your cherished 1996 Yankee collection. Paul O'Neil floats your boat. Jimmy Key is your role model. I have even heard that you pose in front of your mirror trying to emulate Roy White's old batting stance.

Victor Martinez and I are simpatico. I suffered with Todd Hundley in left. I watched Pat Zachary being the so-called ace of the late 70's Mets. I, my friend, have suffered with the Mets and deserve a playoff run this year.

You, Hollander, are a front-runner. I love the Mets and have since Swoboda hit 19 home runs all those years ago. I'll grant you that you are a Mets fan-but you long for Jeter and A-Rod. Sheffield is your dark night sexual fantasy. All 'roided out and ready to make you his cell bitch.

See, I grew up in the Bronx and have been intimate with Latinos for a long time. Los Mets are mine, comprende? The Irish and Latinos share Catholicism and macho foolishness. We deserve each other.

HOLLANDER: Growing up, I'm sure you were very intimate with neighborhood Latinos, especially your friend's sweaty uncle who gave you those awkward hernia checks behind the bodega on your way home from school. He made you call him "Felix Millan." Don't blame yourself. You were young. You were scared. What could you do about it? But that is the origin of your Mets fandom.

Save the lectures on who is a real Mets fan, pal. I was there for Mike Vail's 23-game hitting streak, for Craig Swan's 1978 NL E.R.A title, for Johns Stearns setting the catcher's stolen base record, for John Milner swinging a sledgehammer and Joel Youngblood symbolizing the aching, interminable ineptitude of the mid-to-late Seventies.

This year will be ours. The Yankees are toast. Willie Randolph will slap Joe Torre across the face with a Subway sandwich. I will personally choke that pant-load Michael Kay. (Does she ever shut up?) Carl Pavano went limp after (or maybe before) he parted with Alyssa Milano. Carlos Delgado is the anti-A-Rod. He's a man who stands up without hesitation for he who and what he is.

It's all about Queens, C.J. Queens is the new Brooklyn. Helen Marshall and Melinda Katz are the foxiest City Council members. Next thing you know, Fernando Ferrer will be in a Mets uniform high-fiving Victor Diaz.

The Mets even have their own cheesy new network complete with a tongue-twister name, SportNet New York. To all our readers, join our campaign. Contact SNY and tell them you want Hollander and Sullivan on their panel show, "SportsNite."

C.J, dust off your Cleon Jones wristbands and break out your scrapbook with the laminated news clippings about Jones' indecent exposure arrest. Get on board. If you're not a Mets fan this summer, you'll be second best in this town.

SULLIVAN: I have my vintage Cleon Jones jersey ready for Flushing this year. If Traschel, Martinez and Glavine hold up aided by Heilman and Wagner out of the bullpen, the Mest are on the way. But we cannot discount the Evil Empire in the Bronx. As they steal parkland from poor Bronxites, they know they need to win this year. The Yankees are desperate, like trapped rats-and Dave, there is nothing more dangerous than a trapped Bronx rat. The Mets will win with fun, but the Yankees have to win. The shine on Jeter is fading and he and Georgie Boy need to get into this year's World Series. That is a good thing because I see one hell of a baseball season in this town, and after our basketball and football debacles, we need it more than the Mets and Yankees. There is trouble in River City (which sits on River Avenue), and Steinbrenner has to win this year. Revenge-sweet revenge!-for me will be when they "Meet the Mets" in the World Series and lose.

That will kill the Yankee stripper Mystique (old joke-look it up) and send Steinbrenner back to Tampa a babbling idiot. He will fire Torre, trade A-Rod and Jeter, and dismantle the whole team. He will bring Dave Winfield into manage and the Yankees will go on a decade-long slide into purgatory.

Now that would be some good New York baseball. So as a Mets fan, you have to root for the Yankees to get to the World Series so they can get their just deserts. The clock is ticking on the House That Ruth built. It is crumbling like Ruth's record itself as Bonds breaks that longstanding record this May.