Men Open Up—Finally!— in “The Other Half,” a Book About Life After 50

If you want to know what makes the men tick, don’t look to some millennial sharing his “vast” life experience on Instagram. Get the answers from men who’ve lived, loved, lost, and left it all on the field.

Author Ellen Warner traveled the world asking men from vastly different backgrounds the simple question: What does life look like after 50?

Then she compiled their insightful and intimate viewpoints into her latest book, “The Other Half: Forty Men Reveal Life After Fifty.” Their candid reflections challenge stereotypes about masculinity, aging, and success, and photojournalist Warner’s portraits bring the interviews to life.

“People often ask what similarities and differences I found interviewing the men and the women [for her prior book “The Second Half: Forty Women Reveal Life After Fifty”]. The most striking difference was a real demarcation for women when their children moved out of the house. Those women felt they could then refocus on their own lives and careers. This was never mentioned as a factor for men, who often spoke about their fifties as the time when their careers gelled.”

Straus Media sat down with Warner to discuss the spectrum of men she spoke to and their willingness to share the full trajectory of their lives, including moments of joy, growth, discovery, and difficulty.

Were you surprised by the floodgates opening, a.k.a. men’s willingness to be candid about their emotions, because they’re actually really known for that?

I was amazed, quite frankly. I thought that they wouldn’t talk. It was as though nobody had ever asked them about their personal life. It was incredible. When they’re younger, they’re probably putting on a front in a way. They’ve got to be tough and ready for anything. But when they’re older, they’ll be frank about things.

When asked what their saddest moment was, most said when their mother died. What does that say about the mother/son relationship?

That was a real revelation. Was their mother the only woman who unconditionally loved them or whom they felt comfortable opening up to? The mother/son relationship is obviously very close. I guess that’s reflected in their response. Maybe they feel as though they need to be more guarded with people but with their mother, less so. They know they have unconditional love from their mother, so it’s a very safe place.

So men have always been self-focused, as opposed to women who went from being self-focused to family-focused back to self-focused. What does that say about men? That they’re hands off when it comes to family?

Well, not so much that, but men were traditionally expected to be the breadwinners. Now, that’s different today. Young men today are much more involved with their children. That didn’t exist a generation ago. If this book were written in another 20 years, there would be more of a demarcation point when the children went off to university or started to lead their own lives. For men, it was just a straight run, so to speak.

Now, you interviewed everyone from a fishmonger to a prince to Julian Fellowes. How did you decide who to approach?

People would suggest people. I wanted to have a variety of professions, a variety of socioeconomic backgrounds, perspectives, religions. That helped me determine who I wanted to interview. And really, they were terrific.

Which countries or cultures surprised you the most in how the men talked about aging or love or masculinity?

In an odd way, they were quite similar.

Were there any questions or subjects that the men resisted, or any that they consistently opened up about?

They didn’t resist the question about sex, but they were surprised by it. They were pretty darn open about their setbacks, which I found interesting. A lot attributed their success to luck. Julian Fellowes was in his 50s when he had that opportunity to do [the movie] “Gosford Park,” and he realized that it could be a big break for him, and he took advantage of it. The thing that was very encouraging was that their setbacks generally turned out to be positive things, because it allowed them to refocus and eventually do something that was more interesting to them or more rewarding for them.

What do you hope younger men take from this book that they might not get from your typical magazine article or social media videos about maturing?

I think, with maturity, you’re able to be more yourself, and Prince Turki Al-Faisal said that very well. He said something to the effect, “Be honest with yourself, and honest to others.” I hope young men get that being the person that you are is good enough; in fact, far better than trying to posture. And also, that it’s possible and preferable to be magnanimous in your attitudes towards other people.

What’s one belief about men that you had that this project overturned for you?

The belief that men are more closed than they are. I was surprised that they were as open about their successes and failures. And that they were willing to share their emotions to the extent that they did.

“The Other Half: Forty Men Reveal Life After Fifty” is out now.

Lorraine Duffy Merkl is the author of the novel “The Last Single Woman In New York City.”